So Green Floppy recently purchased a brand new 2007 Ford Focus in the color of my bestest friend, Grey Pufftail Squirrel. (Green Floppy did not mention this before, because Green Floppy does not like to brag.)
Well, Green Floppy had this brand new car for almost two months, when one day, some stranger in a red minivan -- I am torn as to whether this stranger should be referred to as a he or a she. On the one hand, shes drive like carp. On the other hand, hes are inconsiderate rhubarbs, and wouldn't think twice about doing what this person did... I shall have to just refer to this stranger as jerkface, to cover all the bases. As I was saying -- this jerkface decided to back out of a parking space without making adequate use of their rear- and side-view mirrors, and bumped right into the back of my car. What a jerky jerkface!!
But wait! There's more!
After RAMMING into the back of my car, jerkface just inconsiderately drove off down the road to some unknown destination without bothering to stop and check out the DAMAGE that jerkface did to Green Floppy's car. Jerk!!
Here is some photographic evidence of the IMMENSE damage inflicted upon Green Floppy's brand new car by the giant jerkface in the carpy red minivan:
Look at how denty it is!! Those scrapes and circular swirly bits that look kind of like a snow angel!! And... and... there are... *vomit* PIECES OF RED MINIVAN embedded -- EMBEDDED, I say!! -- into my nice Grey Pufftail Squirrel-colored car.
O. M. F. G.
My car is RUINED!!! FOREVER!!! BASTARDO JERKFACE!!!!
*RAAAAAAAAAGE*
I wanted to comment on my friend Stamppy's latest blog, but Blogger won't give me the visual verification image.
*RAGE*
Betty finally responded to my letter complaining about her cookie mix pouch and the BALD FACE LIES it told me. Well,actually, it was not Betty heself who answered, but one of her lackeys instead. Anyway, here's what Not Betty wrote:
Dear Green Floppy:
Thank you for contacting General Mills about the problem you had with Betty Crocker cookie mix. As a responsible manufacturer, we strive to produce high quality products. We are sorry your experience did not meet the standards we expect from our products.
Our packaging equipment is designed to ensure that all ingredients are combined in correct proportions. It's possible that a mechanical failure was responsible for the condition you've described. We appreciate that you have taken the time to notify us and will review the information you provided with the product team.
We regret any inconvenience this has caused and hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products.
Sincerely,
Not Betty Crocker
She also included three coupons!- $1 off one package of General Mills food product (Big G Cereal products, Betty Crocker Products, Bugles, Chex Mix, Gold Medal Flour, Nature Valley granola and Pop Secret. Not good on twin or triple pack cereals.)
- FREE one package of Betty Crocker pouch mix. (Includes Betty Crocker pouch mixes, cookie pouch mixes and Snackin' Cake). (Incorrect punctuation theirs.)
- See number 2.
I think, when I pick up my two FREE pouches of cookie mix, that I will have to count those chips, too, to see if this is, as they claim, a "mechanical failure" and not the terrorism-funding scheme that I suspect it really is.
We shall see!
Dear Betty,
Today I purchased two bags of your "Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix" which promised "HOMEMADE Cookies in 20 MINUTES!" That sounded like just the thing, as I knew I wouldn't have a lot of time for baking stuff tonight. (Also: I was planning on taking them to work for treat day, and there's no way I'm putting in more than 20 minutes on those people!) But what really sold me on this cookie mix was the promise of "OVER 350 CHIPS INSIDE!"
Well, after making the first bag, I thought something was amiss. The cookies didn't quite look chocolate-y enough. So I opened up the second bag, and I counted the chips. You won't believe what I discovered, Betty! There were precisely 330 chips in the second bag. Honest! Not 350. Not the promised OVER 350. Just 330. That's only 94.02% of the promised number of chips. (Assuming a minimum "over 350" amount of 351 chips, that is.)
[Big globs are 50 chips each. Small blobs across center are 5 chips each. Total? 330.]
So, Betty, was I just unlucky to have gotten the one bag of cookie mix that was short on chips? Or was I purposely misled into buying this product, just to make me look the fool? Or is this a more wide-spread plot to defraud the general public of their chips? Or is it possibly something even more sinister?
*gasp!*
Are the extra chips being used to fund terrorism??
Please tell me -- what's going on? How come my chips were short?
Sincerely,
Green Floppy
PS: I hope it's okay that I called you Betty. I've been using your products for so many years, that I feel like I know you on a first-name basis!
