It IS a magical world!

Magical World Elastic Wound Plaster...

what will you Earth people think of next?

Peanut Butter, eh?

Green Floppy would like to know why Kraft does not make this most delicious peanut butter and chocolate stuff available in the U S of A. It's peanut butter. And chocolate. Together! How could that NOT be a big seller??

Look at how smooooooooooth and chocolatey it is!

Why, Kraft? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Whew!

Ahhhhhhhhhh....

This is muuuuuch better.

Error! Error!!

OMG, STRAWBERRY?!

OMG!!!!!!


What have I doooonnnnnnnneeeee?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Knife! Knife!

I hear that this "Rock and Roll Pizza Cutter" is the best thing sinced sliced bread slicers!

And apparently, you can use it to slice bread! (In swammich form, anyway.) Look at how simple it is to use -- just "rock and roll" to slice!

Here's a picture out of the package. Woah!

And here it is in action! Look at the fine cutting lines it made. And the trail mix bar things didn't stick to the cutter at all. WOW!

This device really is a cut above the rest! (Get it? A "cut" above? See, 'cause it's a cutting device, so I used a common phrase that includes the word "cut" in it. Do you get it??)

Stop sign on a stick!

This is the greatest invention ever! It's a tiny stop sign on a stick that you put in front of your car and then when you drive your car into the garage, you just go until you hit the stop sign on a stick and then the stop sign on a stick boings back and forth and flashing lights go flashing so then you know when to stop driving. It's great!!

Mechanical failure, my green arse!

Betty finally responded to my letter complaining about her cookie mix pouch and the BALD FACE LIES it told me. Well,actually, it was not Betty heself who answered, but one of her lackeys instead. Anyway, here's what Not Betty wrote:

Dear Green Floppy:

Thank you for contacting General Mills about the problem you had with Betty Crocker cookie mix. As a responsible manufacturer, we strive to produce high quality products. We are sorry your experience did not meet the standards we expect from our products.

Our packaging equipment is designed to ensure that all ingredients are combined in correct proportions. It's possible that a mechanical failure was responsible for the condition you've described. We appreciate that you have taken the time to notify us and will review the information you provided with the product team.

We regret any inconvenience this has caused and hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,
Not Betty Crocker

She also included three coupons!

1. $1 off one package of General Mills food product (Big G Cereal products, Betty Crocker Products, Bugles, Chex Mix, Gold Medal Flour, Nature Valley granola and Pop Secret. Not good on twin or triple pack cereals.)


2. FREE one package of Betty Crocker pouch mix. (Includes Betty Crocker pouch mixes, cookie pouch mixes and Snackin' Cake). (Incorrect punctuation theirs.)


3. See number 2.
   

I think, when I pick up my two FREE pouches of cookie mix, that I will have to count those chips, too, to see if this is, as they claim, a "mechanical failure" and not the terrorism-funding scheme that I suspect it really is.

We shall see!

Apricot Scrubs -- they may look the same, but they're not.

On the left is St. Ives brand Apricot Scrub (hereinafter referred to as Stives, in a reversal of The Great St. Wart Incident). On the right is Personal Care brand Apricot Scrub -- a generic. Notice how the generic has dressed itself up to look as similar on the outside to Stives as possible:

1. Both have a curvy top

2. Both use apricot coloring



3. Both insist that their product is INVIGORATING

4. Both use the words APRICOT SCRUB

5. Both have apricots! Cut and whole. With leaves!

6a. Stives says: "Gently exfoliates dull surface cells to instantly reveal smooth, radiant skin."
6b. Generic says: "Removes dull surface cells & impurities to reveal silky smooth healthy skin."
6c. Common words used? dull, surface, cells, reveal, smooth, and skin

7. Both have "All skin types" in white text on a darker apricot colored block

8. Both claim to have a net weight of 6 ounces. (Though Stives translates that into 170 grams and Generic into 170 milliliters. What's up with that?)


Now, since Generic went to so much trouble to make themselves look like Stives, one would assume that they would have gone to similar lengths go make the product inside the same, too. Or at least get it very close to the same. Not so! See for yourself:



Here is a glob of both products, side by side. Again Stives is on the left, and Generic on the right. Notice how the Stives is a nice beige thick paste with lots of scrubbing particles in it. Now notice how the Generic is an apricot colored gel with a few scrubbing particles scattered here and there.

Now look at these same globs in a vertical position. Notice how the Stives retains its shape while Generic starts to run (like the coward it is).


Here's another vertical shot, taken just seconds later. Stives still retains its shape, but Generic is dropping fast!


Now scratch and sniff each glob. (Go ahead! I'm using the new Smell-o-bloggin technology!*) You'll smell that Stives is a nice muted fresh scent, whereas Generic smells like a hot-house apricot what had just been marinated in apricot sauce and then heavily spritzed with apricot-scented perfume. Yuk!

Obviously, there's no way I'm going to be using this horrid Generic product. But it'd be a shame to just throw it away. Hmmm... maybe I could drop it into the homeless-cart at church this weekend. They don't care what kind of crap they put on their faces, right?


*Not responsible for any damage to monitors from people using the Smell-o-bloggin technology.

Over 350 Chips Inside!

Dear Betty,

Today I purchased two bags of your "Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix" which promised "HOMEMADE Cookies in 20 MINUTES!" That sounded like just the thing, as I knew I wouldn't have a lot of time for baking stuff tonight. (Also: I was planning on taking them to work for treat day, and there's no way I'm putting in more than 20 minutes on those people!) But what really sold me on this cookie mix was the promise of "OVER 350 CHIPS INSIDE!"

Well, after making the first bag, I thought something was amiss. The cookies didn't quite look chocolate-y enough. So I opened up the second bag, and I counted the chips. You won't believe what I discovered, Betty! There were precisely 330 chips in the second bag. Honest! Not 350. Not the promised OVER 350. Just 330. That's only 94.02% of the promised number of chips. (Assuming a minimum "over 350" amount of 351 chips, that is.)

[Big globs are 50 chips each. Small blobs across center are 5 chips each. Total? 330.]

Betty, where are the other 5.98% of the chips? If I take these under-chipped cookies in to treat day, people will scoff at them! Treat day will be ruined! And people will talk about me and my low-chip-count cookies -- in front of my back, even! -- for the rest of my working days.

So, Betty, was I just unlucky to have gotten the one bag of cookie mix that was short on chips? Or was I purposely misled into buying this product, just to make me look the fool? Or is this a more wide-spread plot to defraud the general public of their chips? Or is it possibly something even more sinister?

*gasp!*

Are the extra chips being used to fund terrorism??

Please tell me -- what's going on? How come my chips were short?

Sincerely,
Green Floppy

PS: I hope it's okay that I called you Betty. I've been using your products for so many years, that I feel like I know you on a first-name basis!