Ode to a Daffodil: Ode to a Daffodil

I'm about to rip a gaping hole in the space-time continuum and create a never-ending loop by Blog This!ing a post of someone Blog This!ing their own blog.

Because I am just. That. Evile.

Hold onto your hats!

Blog THIS! Ha! Ode to a Daffodil: Ode to a Daffodil

Chap Stick of Doooooooom

Oh. My. Gawd.

I've been wondering why the top of my chapstick stick kept dropping way below the level of the top of the chapstick tube, and now I know:

My chapstick is possessed! Seeeeeeee?

(Click here to load up a big-ish animated gif file so you can see it in action!)

I mean, I knew that Chapstick was EVILE, but when it starts moving on its own, then it's time to call in the priests.

Culling of the herd.

Sometimes, when a thing gets to be too plentiful, and can no longer be supported by its environment, it's time to round up the more inferior in the herd, and give them the heave-ho.

That's right -- you guessed it -- it's time for the annual grocery bag roundup!

Yeeeeeeeeeeee-HAAAAAAAW!



Oh, shoot. I should have taken a picture of the bags before they were sorted. Oh well... just imagine two giant bags hanging from a thing on a door that were so jam packed that they stopped the door from closing properly, and you'll know what the "before" picture would have been. Anyways, this is the pile of bags that were deemed unsuitable for keeping. Look at them all! There's no way anyone could re-use that many bags. And more and more bags come in each week! It's insane, I tells you!

Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "But Green Floppy... all of these bags look the same? How did you ever decide which bags to keep and which to toss?" Well, I'll be glad to tell you. No -- I'll do more than that. I'll show you!


See that? That is what we on my planet call a "see thru bag". These are the WORST kind of bag to have around. Any grocery store that uses them -- *cough*Copps*cough* -- should be hauled out to the dog-shooting tree and shot. Like a dog. What were they thinking when they decided on a see thru bag?? Did they think that folks would be so proud of their grocery purchase, that they'd want everyone to see EXACTLY what they bought? Crazy! Please... like I want everyone to know that I'm purchasing a roll of toilet paper and a magazine and nothing else. Sheesh!


This bag? Way. Too. Big. Nobody has a trash can that big. Nobody! A bag like this is completely useless for re-using. Not usable again at all. And I bet that whoever brought this bag home didn't even purchase anything big enough to fill it up. That Fleeting Farm place always puts stuff in these HUGE bags for no good reason. Giant Baggy Jerks.



That bag in the top left is broken (as are very many of the bags around it!). Buh. Ro. Ken. What use do we have for a psychic if she's insane? (Wait, what? Where'd that come from?? (Serenity on DVD -- get it now!)) What I meant to say was: What use does anyone have for a bag what's broken? Do you put all of your broken products in it? Certainly wouldn't want to put anything good in it, because it would just fall out of the holes and stuff. I don't know why a broken bag wouldn't have been immediately thrown out in the first place!


Oh! These bags -- Gasbag's, Pig, Some kind of Market -- are way too flimsy. They are made from a much thinner plastic substance, and would never stand up to holding trash. Also, they're on the smallish side. The openings are slightly more narrow than a regular good bag. Which makes them inferior. Inferior!


Bags with Christmas all over them? Yuk! There's no way I want to see Christmas bags at any time of the year. Including Christmas! And what is THAT? What is that thing on the right??

It's.. it's.. well, it's not a bag, that's for sure. At least, not in the traditional sense. It looks about the size of bag you might could stick a stick of summer sausage into, if you were wont to put summer sausage into a bag. But never, ever, in a hundred and forty-nine years, would anyone EVER be able to make re-use of this "bag" thing. Out with you!

Oooh, my favoritest bag of all time! Look at the nice greenish blue-ish hue they have. They let you carry your groceries home without the entire 'hood gawking at the contents! And then they're the perfect color to blend right in with the trash can. These bags are special! They have been set aside, and will be going on a magical journey down the hall to the Amazing Bathroom Bag Box. Congratulations, greenish blue-ish bags! You're the winners in bag-life's lottery!

And finally, after all of that culling, this is all that's left. One nice little bag of bags. A bag of bags that no longer interferes with the proper closing of the small hall closet door. Yay!

Mechanical failure, my green arse!

Betty finally responded to my letter complaining about her cookie mix pouch and the BALD FACE LIES it told me. Well,actually, it was not Betty heself who answered, but one of her lackeys instead. Anyway, here's what Not Betty wrote:

Dear Green Floppy:

Thank you for contacting General Mills about the problem you had with Betty Crocker cookie mix. As a responsible manufacturer, we strive to produce high quality products. We are sorry your experience did not meet the standards we expect from our products.

Our packaging equipment is designed to ensure that all ingredients are combined in correct proportions. It's possible that a mechanical failure was responsible for the condition you've described. We appreciate that you have taken the time to notify us and will review the information you provided with the product team.

We regret any inconvenience this has caused and hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,
Not Betty Crocker

She also included three coupons!

1. $1 off one package of General Mills food product (Big G Cereal products, Betty Crocker Products, Bugles, Chex Mix, Gold Medal Flour, Nature Valley granola and Pop Secret. Not good on twin or triple pack cereals.)


2. FREE one package of Betty Crocker pouch mix. (Includes Betty Crocker pouch mixes, cookie pouch mixes and Snackin' Cake). (Incorrect punctuation theirs.)


3. See number 2.
   

I think, when I pick up my two FREE pouches of cookie mix, that I will have to count those chips, too, to see if this is, as they claim, a "mechanical failure" and not the terrorism-funding scheme that I suspect it really is.

We shall see!

Apricot Scrubs -- they may look the same, but they're not.

On the left is St. Ives brand Apricot Scrub (hereinafter referred to as Stives, in a reversal of The Great St. Wart Incident). On the right is Personal Care brand Apricot Scrub -- a generic. Notice how the generic has dressed itself up to look as similar on the outside to Stives as possible:

1. Both have a curvy top

2. Both use apricot coloring



3. Both insist that their product is INVIGORATING

4. Both use the words APRICOT SCRUB

5. Both have apricots! Cut and whole. With leaves!

6a. Stives says: "Gently exfoliates dull surface cells to instantly reveal smooth, radiant skin."
6b. Generic says: "Removes dull surface cells & impurities to reveal silky smooth healthy skin."
6c. Common words used? dull, surface, cells, reveal, smooth, and skin

7. Both have "All skin types" in white text on a darker apricot colored block

8. Both claim to have a net weight of 6 ounces. (Though Stives translates that into 170 grams and Generic into 170 milliliters. What's up with that?)


Now, since Generic went to so much trouble to make themselves look like Stives, one would assume that they would have gone to similar lengths go make the product inside the same, too. Or at least get it very close to the same. Not so! See for yourself:



Here is a glob of both products, side by side. Again Stives is on the left, and Generic on the right. Notice how the Stives is a nice beige thick paste with lots of scrubbing particles in it. Now notice how the Generic is an apricot colored gel with a few scrubbing particles scattered here and there.

Now look at these same globs in a vertical position. Notice how the Stives retains its shape while Generic starts to run (like the coward it is).


Here's another vertical shot, taken just seconds later. Stives still retains its shape, but Generic is dropping fast!


Now scratch and sniff each glob. (Go ahead! I'm using the new Smell-o-bloggin technology!*) You'll smell that Stives is a nice muted fresh scent, whereas Generic smells like a hot-house apricot what had just been marinated in apricot sauce and then heavily spritzed with apricot-scented perfume. Yuk!

Obviously, there's no way I'm going to be using this horrid Generic product. But it'd be a shame to just throw it away. Hmmm... maybe I could drop it into the homeless-cart at church this weekend. They don't care what kind of crap they put on their faces, right?


*Not responsible for any damage to monitors from people using the Smell-o-bloggin technology.

Hello, everybodeee!

Oh! I just found an online copy of Cousin G's best-selling book! It's awesome, and you should all check it out. (Then go buy a copy at your favorite book seller!) Anyway, G's book can be found HERE.

Go ahead and click -- you know you want to.

Over 350 Chips Inside!

Dear Betty,

Today I purchased two bags of your "Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix" which promised "HOMEMADE Cookies in 20 MINUTES!" That sounded like just the thing, as I knew I wouldn't have a lot of time for baking stuff tonight. (Also: I was planning on taking them to work for treat day, and there's no way I'm putting in more than 20 minutes on those people!) But what really sold me on this cookie mix was the promise of "OVER 350 CHIPS INSIDE!"

Well, after making the first bag, I thought something was amiss. The cookies didn't quite look chocolate-y enough. So I opened up the second bag, and I counted the chips. You won't believe what I discovered, Betty! There were precisely 330 chips in the second bag. Honest! Not 350. Not the promised OVER 350. Just 330. That's only 94.02% of the promised number of chips. (Assuming a minimum "over 350" amount of 351 chips, that is.)

[Big globs are 50 chips each. Small blobs across center are 5 chips each. Total? 330.]

Betty, where are the other 5.98% of the chips? If I take these under-chipped cookies in to treat day, people will scoff at them! Treat day will be ruined! And people will talk about me and my low-chip-count cookies -- in front of my back, even! -- for the rest of my working days.

So, Betty, was I just unlucky to have gotten the one bag of cookie mix that was short on chips? Or was I purposely misled into buying this product, just to make me look the fool? Or is this a more wide-spread plot to defraud the general public of their chips? Or is it possibly something even more sinister?

*gasp!*

Are the extra chips being used to fund terrorism??

Please tell me -- what's going on? How come my chips were short?

Sincerely,
Green Floppy

PS: I hope it's okay that I called you Betty. I've been using your products for so many years, that I feel like I know you on a first-name basis!

"Cat" sighting!

This just in!
Giant Earth cat sniffs runaway pet!
Bloodbath sure to follow!
Film at eleven!

(If, you know, somebody was able to film the horror that I'm sure happened about .5 seconds after my old pet was done sniffed at.)

My former pet.

Here's one of my pets. On your planet, I believe you would call it a "cat" or some such. Isn't it adorable?

This is a a pet what is no longer my pet, though, as it has run away to the planet known as Earth. If you see it, take great care not to startle it or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

*ponders*

On second thought, go ahead and spook it! Just let me know first, will you? I haven't seen a good mauling in quite some time and wouldn't want to miss it. Kthxbi!

Going on a wild goose chase.

Straight shot there, straight shot back. Much aimless wandering in-between.

Close-up of the wildest part of the wild goose chase:




Why don't they let you edit the dates of these posts? A pox upon you, blogger!

A recent picture of me!

Here I am with my GPS and my friend, Grey Pufftail-Squirrel. Hey, he's a GPS, too!

C is for cookie!

Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with Cccccccccc!!!!

These shoes were made for walking.

And that's just what I'll do.

You know, one of these days these shoes are gonna walk all over you. Because tenderizing your meat before eating it is always preferable. And these shoes could stomp you good.

Are you lookin' at me??

My precioussssss....

BUNCO!!!!!!!!!!

Oooh, action shot! These are some people I played with, shortly before supper. Mmm... people supper...

*kermitflail*

Strangers! Strangers commenting on my posts!

What do I do?

WHAT DO I DOOOOOO??

(Also: What is a discount cat? And why does it need furniture? Hmmm... things to ponder whilst... pondering... things. Yeah.)

Edited to add: Okay, anonymous commenting peeps... You know, I've been around the worlds -- I know advertising when I see it! I'll be sending you my bill shortly. AND THEN I SHALL EAT YOU. Oops... did I type that last part out loud?

The Crapper... of Freedom!

Let me share with you some of my vast, worldsly knowledge: When the founders of the United States were writing up the Constitution, they had a bunch of articles that they decided not to include. One of them was: "Congress shall make no law restricting the rights of the People to take a crap in any kind of box they want, just as long as they wash their hands afterward." I believe that these toilets are *exactly* what old Benny (prior to his association with the Jets) had in mind when he penned that most eloquent article. Just look at the beauty of these toilets -- the fine lines, the striking colors (reminiscent of the US Flag, which can be seen flying proudly on the crapper doors) -- these toilets, my tasty friends, *are* Freedom.

It just gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, doesn't it?

Snowangels, beware!

Here's some kind of strange creature -- it appears to be a snowangel-eating plant. I think it pretends to be a gang of snowangels, just hangin' out, as a way to lure in unsuspecting snowangels. And then it eats them. (Well it must eat them, because I'm not seeing any snowangels anywhere!)

*blink-blink* *blink-blink* *blink-blink*

You Earth people can be so stupid. Take, for example, this woman I saw this morning...

Please?

*ba-dum-CHING*

Thank you, thank you -- I'll be here all week!

*ahem*

Anyway...

So there I was, moving along in my four-wheeled conveyance, minding my own business, when I noticed that this woman ahead of me in a black four-wheeled conveyance was indicating a desire to turn left. On a straight road. With no left turns in sight. Then, while still shouting to the world her desire to turn left, she veered off into a lane that went RIGHT.

Stupid!

Joke o' the Day

How you do surprise the employees at the Uniek frame sale thing?

(HIGHLIGHT ANSWER TO REVEAL)

Uniek up on them!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!